


dysfunctional doesn't even cover half of it

by Na0miN



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, Multi, Not Really Canon Compliant, ben is still dead, but can you blame him?, but he is also and active patricipant in this madness, dolores deserves all the sparkly tops, everyone is a mess, five is kind of done, groupchat fic, vanya is slowly getting off the pills
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 10:24:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18259379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Na0miN/pseuds/Na0miN
Summary: Number two: yeah five,, I hate to agree with Go Ape over here, but he's dead. how you expecting him to writeNumber six: one, that's rude, two, fuck youNumber six: i'm sEnsiTIVe auBreYNumber one: ?????????????????Number two: w haNumber three: uh yeah I heard a rumour someone explained how the fuck ben is typingorthe umbrella academy groupchat fic no one asked for





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> tis my first foray into writing the umbrella academy but we're going to make this work, yeah? im mostly keeping it in line with random sybling nattering, trying this new thing that includes 0 angst. we'll see how long that lasts lol

**Number five created a new chat**

**Number five renamed the chat earth is a shithole, but its my shithole**

**Number five added number one, number two, number three, number four, number six, number seven**

**Number three:** h hello??

 **Number three:** five, what is this? you wander out of the kitchen after morphing through space and time to create a groupchat??

 **Number five:** good, you can read. I was beginning to fear for you

 **Number one:** okay but why did you add ben? 

 **Number two:** yeah five,, I hate to agree with Go Ape over here, but he's dead. how you expecting him to write

 **Number six:** one, that's rude, two, fuck you

 **Number six:** i'm sEnsiTIVe auBreY

 **Number one:**?????????????????

 **Number two:** w ha

 **Number three:** uh yeah I heard a rumour someone explained  _how the fuck ben is typing_

 **Number five:** oh ye of little faith

 **Number four:** oh ye of little faith

 **Number four:**!!!! j I n x

 **Number seven:** I mean , I don't mean to like,, be  that one, but Klaus can actually talk to dead people and we still have all of Bens old stuff?

 **Number five:** see this is why I like  vanya. she has two of our brain cells, I have three, Klaus and ben share one, and diego has the last

 **Number one:** correction, Klaus  _could_ talk to dead people. he smoked all that away 

 **Number two:** goddamnit you guys you need to say sm valid I have to stop agreeing with big bad sitting in the corner

 **Number six:** he's typing out ways that y'all could've killed dad

 **Number one:** no I wasn't!

 **Number one:** I really wasn't!

 **Number four:** I mean after that disastrous family meeting,, I wouldn't put it past you...

 **Number two:** ,, did you just high five thin air Klaus?

 **Number four:** no

 **Number five:** oh my god you guys he can see talk and interact with ben! get over yourselves, you pack of idiots

**Number four has changed his name to ghost fucker**

**Number two:** like,, just out of curiosity man,,, have you ever... you know?

 **Number six:** we're laughing at you I hope you know

 **Number four:** do elaborate dear brother, I do not know

 **Number two:** have you ever -

 **Number three:** five's here keep it pg

 **Number five:** may I remind you that I am older than all of you by at least twenty years?

**ghost fucker has changed Number fives name to stinky old man**

**stinky old man:** ,,,,,,

 **stinky old man:** I have the ability to jump into your room, unnoticed by the way bc your room is soundproof and strangle you in your sleep

 **stinky old man:** do consider your actions

 **Number three:** ok but how do you change your name?

**Number six has changed his name to hentai boy**

**hentai boy:** like that

 **Number two:** again just curiosity,, do you know what that actually is/

 **hentai boy:**   I've haunted Klaus for a long time now. of course I know what hentai is

 **hentai boy:** that's honestly rather tame on his list of,,,, interests

 **ghost fucker:** oy!!

 **ghost boy:** we don't air out our dirty laundry for the world, ben you know that

**Number seven changed her name to lesbe honest**

**lesbe honest:** god you guys have got even worse and yet I still love you???


	2. Chapter 2

**Number**   **three:** i love you too sis, but like,, seeing my name as number three is reminding me of dad and I'd like to keep his memory dead too

 **Number one:** sorry allison I don't know how :(

 **Stinky old man:** ill show allison how and then I'm leaving to collect Dolores again

 **Number two:** why did you keep the name if you knew how to change it

 **Number one:** again, I hate to be the one to agree with Diego, but I think the apocalypse got to u bro

 **Ghost fucker:**!! Five! You do love me! 

 **Stinky old man:** sequined top or polka dot blouse? 

 **Ghost fucker:** sequined. Always. 

 **Hentai boy:** i don't know,, i like the sound of the polka dot. Send a pic? 

 **Number three:** thats sweet but first

**Number three changed her name to alli gator**

**Alli gator:** ok send the piccies

**Stinky old man sent two pictures**

 

 **Ghost boy:** yeah! Sequined! They're for Dolores right? 

 **Stinky old man:** yeah, she'll look so pretty. She looks good in everything honestly

 **Hentai boy:** stinky old man is in love pass it on! 

 **Ghost fucker:** stinky old man is in loOve pass it o0n!! 

 **Lesbe honest:** stinky old man is on love😍 pass it on! 

 **Ghost fucker:** yes vee

**Number two changed his name to Go diego go**

**Go Diego go:** stinky old man is in love pass it on! 

 **Alli gator:** stinky old man is in love pass it on! 

 **Number one:** i expected more from you allison

 **Stinky old man:** yes I am and Luther shut up

**Stinky old man changed Number ones name to I'm a big boy now**

**I'm a big boy now:** like,, what? What is going on? 

 **Im a big boy now:** soneone. Anyone. Teach me how to change this. P l e a S e

 **Im a big boy now:** im literally begging you. I'll give you moon rock

 **Hentai boy:** oh that is exactly what I want,, m0oN rOcK

 **Ghost fucker:** dont be mean Ben, we have an agreement because Luther can crush us with his pinky, so we try not to annoy him as much as possible 

 **Alli gator:** AVSHAKAJJ

 **Alli gator:** ben you can't call him out like that w no warning I'll choke! 

**Stinky old man sent a pic**

 

 **Stinky old man:** update: Dolores loves the top, klaus I'm buying you ice cream

 **Ghost fucker:** ben! Get on your favourite hoodie we're out of here! 

 **Hentai boy:** fuck yeahhh

 **Im a big boy now:** idont think even allison wants me here😭

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Alli gator:** so I found this cute little jumper and I think it would fit five? 

 **Alli gator:** its okay if you don't want to

 **Lesbe honest:** i will join forces if it actually is cute and not just a 3d bird sewn onto the front. 

 **Lesbe honest:** im open to alliances as thorgy thor said

 **Ghost fucker:** omg wait,, you watch drag race too? 

 **Lesbe honest:** harold, I'm gay and I like watching drama but love island will genuinely cause me to gouge my eyes out if I see more than a minute

 **Go diego go:** i mean,, queer eye? Is better in my opinion? 

 **Hentai boy:** i just simmer like soup in any of those. 

 **Hentai boy:** honestly I like anything and everything, but I prefer blue planet

 **Stinky old man:** ooh I think I saw Luther on planet earth he was in a hotspring

**Go diego go changed I'm a big boy nows name to Go ape**

**Go ape:** honestly this is bullying and I don't know what I did to deserve it

 **Hentai boy:** are you honestly going to say you're  _not_ a monkey man? 

 **Go Ape:** what up my names jared

 **Lesbe honest:** luther? And meme culture? H e L l o?? 

 **Stinky old man:** okay now the apocalypse really is upon us.. 

 **Alli gator:** let me just say this now, klaus is staring at his phone and I don't think I can pull his jaw off the ground

 **Go diego go:** dont say he's with you, ape boy will go all super saiyan on your ass

 **Hentai boy:** correction: klaus' ass

 **Go diego go:** oh shit u right bro

 **Stinky old man:** were you having another sleepover? 

 **Ghost fucker:** yeah! My nails are purple and sparkly now

 **Alli gator:** and he painted mine neon colours,, they cute,, they poppin

**Alli gator sent a picture**

 

 **Stinky old man:** next time could you paint delores' nails? She likes blue

 **Ghost fucker:** abso diddly lutely. I also want to give her some cute eyeliner

 **Stinky old man:** there was a line. You've passed it

 **Hentai boy:** wow he's actually pouting

 **Alli gator:** a pouty babby


	4. Chapter 4

**Go ape:** I want to call a family meeting

 **Go ape:** everyone get down to the living room

 **Alli gator:** yeah ,, especially you diego

 **Go diego go:** why what did I do?

 **Go diego go:** just because there's a knife in the gazelle it doesn't mean it was me

 **Alli gator:** what? no that's not it

 **Ghost fucker:** ooo I saw it, guess you still have a knife fetish then huh

 **Hentai boy:** lets be real,, we knew he had one when he came to dads funeral in bargain box bondage

 **Lesbe honest:** oop

 **Stinky old man:** can I just say how much I love vanya off her pills?

 **Stinky old man:** like,, emotion looks good on you vee

 **Lesbe honest:** why thank you gramps

 **Stinky old man:** I take it back,, you are the definition of dread

 **Go diego go:** this is such a rollercoaster to just sit back and watch

 **Ghost fucker:** I know right

 **Go ape:** family bonding is great and all

 **Go ape:** but it can wait until AFTER THE FAMILY MEETING THAT NONE OF YOU HAVE TURNED UP TO

 **Alli gator:** Blease get down here, im alone w him and he's vibrating with anger

 **Hentai boy:** a cat

**Stinky old man sent a picture**

 

 **stinky old man:** im sorry I had to draw luther as an ugly cat

 **Ghost fucker:** ASGJASKJDKAJSHH

 **Ghost fucker:** god I love your stupid brain ben

 **Stinky old man:** praise me bitch I put effort into that

 **Ghost fucker:** I worship the ground you walk on

 **Ghost fucker:** I will pickle your arm when you die so I will preserve the Sacred Arm

 **Go diego go:** I mean,, it started off kinda normal for you at least klaus

 **Go diego go:** but why pickling? surely there's a quicker process of  preservation?

 **Hentai boy:** we could captain America his ass until we find the elixir of life

 **Hentai boy:** bc lets be real its probs somewhere in this godforsaken house

 **Alli gator:** everyone is here except for five

 **alli gator:** wait,, ben you're here, yeah?

**Hentai boy sent a picture**

 

 **Hentai boy:** I am indeedy 

 **ghost fucker:** benny baby I hate to break it to you but,, that cute ass selfie you just took?

 **ghost fucker:** everyone else can only see a picture of the couch

 **go ape** **:** FIVE YOU STINKY OLF MAN!! GET DOWN HERE EVERYONE ELSE IS HERE

 **Lesbe honest:** damn. Luther snapped

 **Stinky old man:** okay thanos

 **Lesbe honest:** hOLy sHi T

 **Lesbe honest:** Ik u can blip but like,, s tai r s?

 **Ghost fucker:** yeah,, five I don't know if stairs exist in the apocalypse,,

 **Ghost fucker:** but like,, they do here so... use them?

 **Stinky old man:** don't disrespect your elders you coward

 **Stinky old man:** also alli show me the sweater after this,, I might be open to a new wardrobe

 **Alli gator:** !!!!!!!!

 **Alli gator:**  yesssssss me and you are going on a shopping trip later because I don't want to see you in that uniform any more

 **ghost fucker:** what am I then? chopped liver??

 **Hentai boy:** yes

 **Go diego go:** yes

 **Alli gator:** no

 **stinky old man:** yes

 **Lesbe honest:** no

 **Go ape:** _yes_

  **Ghost fucker:** d a m n I got destr _oyed_

 **Hentai boy:** yes you did

 **Go diego go:** to be fair you set yourself up for it like you wanted it to happen

 **Hentai boy:** yes this is Klaus, bens phone rights have been taken

 **Alli gator:** are we just gonna let that happen?

 **Lesbe honest:** I mean what can we do?

 **Alli gator:** damn, I love you but I need some time away

 **Alli gator** : cmon five lets get that new wardrobe, I don't know what kind of clothing you like

 **Stinky old man:** im easy to cater for. sm warm and sm that has lots of pockets

 **Ghost fucker:** I can see what you are talking about in m head and im thinking..... no

 **Ghost fucker:** im coming alli and there's nothing you can do to stop me, I need to save his style empty head

 **Alli gator:** I wont be able to talk you out of this will I?

 **Ghost fucker:** sniff

 **Ghost fucker:** I smelt that. it said no

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Ghost fucker changed Hentai boys name to bin boy**

**Alli gator:**????

 **Alli gator:** what brought this on?

 **Ghost fucker:** he is bin gremlin

 **stinky old man:** did he give you The Look?

 **Go ape:** the Look?

 **Go diego go:** like,, Capitalised?

 **Lesbe honest:** :0

 **Stinky old man:** you know the look I give you when you're being so intolerably stupid?

 **Stinky old man:** its like that but worse

 **Alli gator:** h ow 

 **Ghost fucker:** its an acquired skill and unfortunately ben has developed it to perfection throughout my years of addiction

 **Bin boy:** oh fuck off you old porridge,, it was you that was laying in the bin drinking

 **Bin boy:** what did you honestly think I would do? go "oh well" and skip into the sunset?

 **Ghost fucker:** consider this though; I love you so much that i'm sober and I was lying in the bin for memories sake

 **stinky old man:** were you actually though?

 **Ghost boy:** ,,,,,,,,,no?

 **stinky old man:** I think you deserved The Look then

 **Go ape:** wait wait wait, im lost

 **Go diego go:** pftftftft that's a change

**Go ape has sent a picture**

 

 **Lesbe honest:** IS TRAT THE SHICKED PIKACHU??

 **Lesbe honest:** LIKE ARE YOU FUHCIN G KIDDING ME?/

 **Ghost fucker:** I am reluctantly impressed

 **Bin boy:** I feel like a proud parent

 **Go ape:** tell me what's going on you cowards

 **Alli gator:** siiigh

 **Alli gator:** Klaus was literally just lying in a bin outside,, like to sleep in,, for no reason other than he is chaos in a  _vaguely_ human form

 **Alli gator:** then ben found him?? I think he left for a while and gave him sass and now Klaus is ready to either die dramatically or fight

 **Alli gator:** did I miss anything?

 **Bin boy:** no that's basically everything.

 **Bin boy:** he's literally just a Dramatic Gay

 **Stinky old man:** valid

 **Lesbe honest:** you know what isn't valid is me walking in to the living room to find five doing blowjob shots with Dolores

 **Lesbe honest:** is that normal? like? should I stop him? 

 **Lesbe honest:** I mean obviously he  _is_ a 58 year old man, but I mean,, it's only 1pm

 **Go diego go:** nononono I want to see this

 **Stinky old man:** I mean I can read everything you're saying but ok 

**Bin boy sent two pictures**

 

 **Lesbe honest:** thanku for taking the fall for the family I was too scared to gain photographic evidence 

 **Lesbe honest:** he scawy

 **Ghost fucker:** this is great. I love family drama when it's not about me

 **Alli gator:** same

 **Go diego go:** same

 **Bin boy:** same

 **Lesbe honest:** smae

 **Go ape:** no guys that's mean

 **Stinky old man:** you are literally the biggest party pooper I know

 **Stinky old man:** even dolores agrees

 **Ghost fucker:** oooooooo burn

**Stinky old man sent a picture**

 

 **Bin boy:** question: why did you not mention that dolores has been flipping everyone the bird under her beautiful blouses?

 **Lesbe honest:** yeah gramps,, deprive us why don't you

 **Go diego go:** god ur such a coward five

 **Stinky old man:** no u

 **Go ape:** I was literally backing you up?? why does no one love me here????


	6. Chapter 6

**Ghost fucker:** ok so you know the shopping mall down the road?

 **Alli gator:** ssshhhh

 **Ghost fucker:** No. they need to know

 **Go ape:** i'm interested

 **Lesbe honest:** my eyes cannot physically roll further into my head luther

 **Lesbe honest:** they will literally fall out you knob

 **Go diego go:** shhsshbshbsh

 **Go diego go:** I want this drama

 **Stinky old man:** yeah,, spill

 **Bin boy:** yeah,, do it or I will

 **Ghost fucker:** okay okay!!

 **Ghost fucker:** so me and Allison were at the mall and the pretzel place was giving out free samples

 **Ghost fucker:** and we both got reet excited,, yeah??

 **Ghost fucker:** but then I was like,, wait. ur rich, so why are you excited about samples

 **Ghost fucker:** and she got really annoyed and  _yelled_ in the  _MIDDLE OF THE MALL_

 **Ghost fucker:** "JUST BECAUSE I'M RICH, DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T GET EXCITED OVER FREE STUFF"

 **Bin boy:** yeah lol I was like weird flex but ok

**Bin boy sent a video**

 

 **Lesbe honest:** woah

 **Go diego go:** woah indeed

 **Stinky old man:** I thought you were on vocal rest because of that new roll you got

 **Go ape:** wow Allison. you were really yelling, huh

 **Alli gator:** sniff

 **Alli gator:** you see this is why we can't have nice things in life

**Alli gator:** _LIKE FREE SAMPLES_

**Bin boy:** I mean,, to be fair,, there was chocolate sauce on them you know?

 **Bin boy:** they were the  _good_ free samples,, not like the shitty ones.

 **Go diego go:** i'll just go and ask mom if she can make pastry for dinner then?

 **Alli gator:** ,,    could I request chocolate and sprinkles with them please

**Go diego go added grace**

**Go diego go changed graces name to the best mom ever**

**The best mom ever:** oh! hello dears

 **Go diego go:** hi mom!

 **Bin boy:** hi mom, it's me ben

 **Lesbe honest:** welcome to hell mom. this is vanya <3

 **Ghost fucker:** heya mommm klaussy heree

 **Alli gator:** this is Allison

 **Stinky old man:** obviously im five

 **Go ape:** hi it's luther and I still don't know how to change my name

 **Ghost fucker:** I can change it!

 **Ghost fucker:** what name do you want?

 **Go ape:** wow uhh just my name, luther

**Ghost fucker changed Go apes name to wow, uhh just my name luther**

**Wow, uhh just my name luther:** what the fuck did I expect

 **Stinky old man:** lolll could all of yall hear him stomping up the stairs?

 **Bin boy:** absolutely

 **Go diego go:** oh! mom I almost forgot, could we make some pastries for after dinner today?

 **Alli gator:** with chocolate sauce and sprinkles?

 **The best mom ever:** of course :-)

 **The best mom ever:** do any of you want to come down  and help me?

 **Go diego go:** if it's not too much bother,, could I??

**Stinky old ma changed Go diego gos name to mamas boi**

**Lesbe honest:** :o tea

 **Ghost fucker:** im whispering because i'm scared of diegos knives,, but you know it's the truth;>

 **Mamas boi:** I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing

 **Ghost fucker:** butcha dIDN'T

 **Bin boy:** but ya  _didn't_

 **Lesbe honest:** oh worm? you two really are one in the same now

 **Alli gator:** ooky spooky

 **Bin boy:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR0cjJkGsBc

 **Bin boy:** B)


	7. Chapter 7

**The best mom ever:** the pastries are done kids!

 **Mamas boi:** I ate like,, half of them already so,, better be quick

 **The best mom ever:** Diego you'll get stomach ache again

 **Stinky old man:** god mom, have I ever told you how good your cooking is?

 **Stinky old man:** yeah don't expect any pastries left,, every (wo)man for themselves

 **Bin boy:** o h s h I t

 **Bin boy:** everyone is literally running for their lives

 **Ghost fucker:** ben i'll make u corporeal, just please

 **Ghost fucker:** hog at least,, ten of the pastries for me until I come

 **Bin boy:** ,, okay. im asking for waffles for tomorrow at breakfast tho

 **Ghost fucker:** that's something I can get behind

 **Lesbe honest:** yall were bickering but I got at least a quarter of these and I am.running

 **Alli gator:** sorry luther you are the weakest link

 **Mamas boi:** dUn DuN

 **Stinky old man:** damn it really do be like that sometimes

 **The best mom ever:** now boys, let's not be overly mean to one another :)

 **Ghost fucker:** I don't know about you guys but that smiley face is decidedly _very_ passive aggressive

 **Bin boy:** yeah,, peace out we are also.running

 **Wow, uh just my name luther:** no one loves me in this house

 **Stinky old man:** that sounds like a you problem, right dolores?

 **Alli gator:** that was truly a magical moment I witnessed

 **Lesbe honest:** what? what? wha t?

 **Alli gator:** fiverino high fived dolores,, but like with the hand that was flipping the bird

 **Alli gator:** with a hand that was also flipping the bird

**Stinky old man changed his name to fiverino**

**Ghost fucker:** god I love our stinky old man brother

 **Mamas boi:** me crying tears of joy,, "you're doing great sweaty :')"

 **Lesbe honest:** me right behind you singing a bad rendition of I want to see my little boy

**Ghost fucker changed Lesbe honests name to disaster gay**

**Disaster gay:** I mean you're not wrong,,

 **Wow, uh just my name luther:** literally all I want is some respect in this house

 **Ghost fucker:** impossible

 **Disaster gay:** unattainable

 **Bin boy:** death is more likely to happen

 **Wow, uh just my name luther:** I mean I can actually hear you imitating a monkey down there diego

 **Mamas boi:** ooh oo ah ah mf

 **Alli gator:** pfffft

 **Alli gator:** this is honestly the dumbest conversation I've ever had

 **Alli gator:** i'm losing braincells fr

 **Disaster Gay:** I bet dads rolling in his sad pile of ashes

**Ghost fucker changed Bin boys name to ghost broccoli**

**Ghost broccoli:** why is it always me?

 **Ghost fucker:** well I've spent the longest with u,, so I know you find the names funny

 **Ghost broccoli:** yeah,, but bin boy was growing on me

 **Fiverino:** ben is bin kin confirmed

 **Alli gator:** Klaus,, just make sure they're in the same room when u make ben solid

 **Ghost fucker:** oh that's what I was intending. I want to see if ben can sucker punch luther too

 **Wow, uh just my name luther:** I  _am_ still in this chat and I can see everything you say about me

**Ghost broccoli has removed Wow, uh just my name luther from the chat**

  **The best mom ever:** oh dear:-)

 **The best mom ever:** i'll bring him up some lunch shall I?


	8. Chapter 8

**The best mom ever:** dears, do you know where Klaus and five are?

 **The best mom ever:** I was going to ask them to help me set the table but they're not in the house and Pogo says he hasn't seen them in a while either

 **Alli gator:** yeah I haven't seen luther either?

 **Ghost broccoli:** oh they're all with me

 **Mamas boi:** which is where..?

 **Ghost broccoli:** in the van 

 **Alli gator:** t the van?

 **Alli gator:** w e    d o n t    o w n   a   v a n

 **Alli gator:** am I the only one worried about the fact that they stole a van and now Klaus and luther and five are in a secret van somewhere?

 **Mamas boi:** tbh when you say it like that it gets more worrying

 **Mamas boi:** want to tell us where u are guys:

 **Ghost broccoli:** all their phones are on silent they're near some amputee clinic?

 **Disaster gay:** amputee... what?

**Alli gator:** _why_

**The best mom ever:** as long as you boys are safe...

 **Ghost broccoli:** dw mom i'm sure they'll be back before tomorrow

 **Ghost broccoli:** also five stole a mannequin

**Disaster gay:** _h e l l o ?  ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?_

**Ghost broccoli:** I told Klaus who told everyone else that mom is worried so we're all coming home

 **Ghost fucker:** even lovely Dolores!

 **Alli gator:** oh, you mean Dolores.

 **Alli gator:** I honestly thought he had stolen another mannequin to create a weird collection

 **Mamas boi:** might I ask whymst the fucke you were watching an amputee clinic?

 **Mamas boi:** wait,, Klaus wasn't offering to get you amputee hookers as well was he?

 **Wow, uh just my name luther:** n no?

 **Ghost fucker:** *not this time

 **Alli gator:** well that was ominous

 **The best mom ever:** lunch is served! it's omelette, so come back quickly before it gets cold boys :-)

 **Stinky old man:** I mean, fuck, as long as there's decent coffee involved

 **Ghost broccoli:** FIVE! YOU'RE THE OLDEST ONE HERE

 **Ghost broccoli:** KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WEEL UR DRIVING YOU WET SOCK!

 **Disaster gay:** loud

**Ghost fucker changed ghost broccolis name to dark kermit**

**Dark Kermit:** owo?

 **Dark Kermit:** what brought about this change

 **Mamas boi:** I too would like to know

 **Ghost fucker:** takes fun out of things, likes to order people around, always wears dark Kermit hood

 **Ghost fucker:** all that's missing is a beauty mark

 **Disaster gay:** this just in: ben is a cosplayer in the afterdeath!

 **Dark Kermit:** gee luther I didn't know you had an airhorn on your phone...

 **Mamas boi:** oop luther is old

**Dark Kermit changed uh, wow just my name luthers name to socks n sandals**

**Socks n sandals:** I literally didn't say anything and I have NEVER worn socks and sandals

 **Stinky old man:** oh  _really:)_

 **Alli gator:** god that's a malicious smile

 **Stinky old man:** Whats to say I didn't find luther in a pair of socks and sandals in the apocalypse

 **Ghost fucker:** :o it's true,, you never mentioned what shoes we were wearing

 **Dark Kermit:** you can tell me anything you know that right

 **Disaster gay:** your name is now legally dark Kermit,, its who you are

 **Ghost fucker:** don't try to run

 **Mamas boi:** its your destinyyyyyy

 **Stinky old man:** diego,, that looks suspiciously like it's from a Disney song of some kind

 **Ghost fucker:** goooood. he's learning mwahahahahahaha

 **Alli gator:** and the winner of the worst impression of reggie hargreeves goes tooooooo Klaus!

 **Ghost fucker:** me teary eyed,, accepting the one dusty malteaser you found under the couch "it was a long two seconds preparation and every second I lost a braincell, so reggie,, if ur out there,, fuck you. again."

 **Disaster gay:** truly the icon we deserve

 **Ghost fucker:** and yes I also do kids birthday party impressions - guaranteed to make that kid you hate cry :D

 **Ghost fucker:** oh and mom,, that was a good omelette,, you have to teach me

 **Dark Kermit:** you don't have a pan, or a home, or an egg to put in a home in a pan over heat to make?? an omelette??

 **Ghost fucker:** I can improvise,, also you don't  _have_ to live up to ur name exposing me like that

 **Dark Kermit:** shrug emoji// its fun

 **Mamas boi:** d did you just type shrug emoji?

**Ghost fucker:** _d r a ma t I c   e d g e   l o r dd_

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Ghost fucker sent a picture to the chat**

 

 

 **Ghost fucker:** do you think she's pwetty?

 **Stinky old man:** where the FUCK are you

 **Stinky old man:** and how the  _fuck_ did you get Dolores

 **Dark Kermit:** I think she's pretty

 **Ghost fucker:** im sorry I cant be her:/

 **Disaster gay:** y'know,, the more I look at Dolores, the more I realise

 **Disaster gay:** shes pretty for sure,, but in a rat kind of way u feel me

**Stinky old man has removed Disaster gay from the chat**

**Stinky old man:** don't ever talk to me or my wife ever again

 **Dark Kermit:** is this what you call a coward?

 **Ghost fucker:** ooo yes stir the pot you majestic fucker

 **The best mom ever:** now, now boys

 **The best mom ever:** lets try and keep the swearing to a minimum, yes? :-)

 **Ghost fucker:** yes mom 

 **Alli gator:**?????

 **Alli gator:** I swear I miss all the drama and come late to everything in this chat

 **Alli gator:** but vanya wants me to add her back to the chat so

**Alli gator added Disaster gay to the chat**

**Disaster gay changed her name to This is FINE**

**This is FINE:** THE LITTLE GOBLIN POOFED INTO MY ROOM, SAID NOT TO TALK TO HIM OR HIS WIFE EVER AGAIN THEN FUCKED ON OFF INTO HIS OWN GOBLIN TERRITORY

 **Dark Kermit:** oop

 **Ghost fucker:** you cant just  _leave me like this_

 **Ghost fucker:** you  _literally_ just started this drama, u cant just  _leave_

 **Mamas boi:** that's just immoral, man

**Stinky old man removed Dark Kermit from the chat**

**Stinky old man:** _no fucking snakes in my garden:)_

 **Ghost fucker:** man you need to start getting your one liners in before removing people left right and centre

**Socks n sandals changed his name to LUTHER**

**LUTHER:** :D

 **Ghost fucker:** im not even going to ask how you found out how to do that brother mine

 **LUTHER:** I asked Pogo, but he said he was under strict orders from one of you to not tell me so I looked it up online!

 **LUTHER:** who was it that said that to Pogo?

 **This is FINE:** It was a group decision

 **Stinky old man:** it was going to happen at some point

 **Mamas boi:** most definitely

 **The best mom ever:** I was happy to be the spokesperson!

 **Mamas boi:** and that's why you're the best mom  _ever_

 **Ghost fucker:** flattery will not get you more salad bunny boy

 **Mamas boi:** nor will it get you more money for smokes but that doesn't stop you

 **This is FINE:** Yo but at least its only smokes now

 **LUTHER:** Shes right,, its got way better since the funeral

 **Ghost fucker:** I take  my bow

 **Ghost fucker:** also I miss my depression caretaker so im bringing him back from the dead

**Ghost fucker added Dark Kermit to the chat**

**Dark Kermit:** that joke was tasteless but I am The Back.

 **Stinky old man:** snake, do you know where Dolores is?

 **Dark Kermit:** I do,, but im also feeling petty so gimme a min

**Dark Kermit changed Stinky old mans name to Rat fucker**

**Dark Kermit:** sorry Dolores but it had to be done

 **Rat fucker:** where. is. she.

**Dark Kermit sent a picture to the chat**

 

 

 **Dark Kermit:** she's up in the attic on the beanbag and Klaus even gave her a capri sun

 **Ghost fucker:** only the best

 **This is FINE:** h how is she holding it?

 **Ghost fucker:** well I tried to wedge it between her thumb and hand, but it didn't stick,, 

 **Ghost fucker:** so I kinda just balanced it on her breasticles

 **Alli gator:** please I am BEGGING YOU,, never use the word breasticle again

 **LUTHER:** Petition to stop Klaus from ever saying breasticle again. all in favour say 'I'

 **LUTHER:** I

 **Alli gator:** I

 **Mamas boi:** I

 **Dark Kermit:** I

 **The best mom ever:** I

 **Rat fucker:** I

 **This is FINE:** I respect his freedom of speech,, but that was terrible so I

**Ghost fucker changed the chat name to press F to pay respect**

**Ghost fucker:** this is so sad,, Mom play despacito

 **The best mom ever:** okay Klaus, if that will make you happy

 **Ghost fucker:** only if you blast it as loud as you can throughout the whole house :)

 **Ghost fucker:** h ol y f u ck th ats  so f  u ck en l o u d

 **Dark Kermit:** you're a fucking disaster klaus

 **The best mom ever:** l a  n g u a g e :-)


	10. Chapter 10

**Mamas boi:** ok quick question everyone,

 **Mamas boi:** is watching Klaus try and cook kiiinda hypnotising to anyone else by how he manages to fuck up _every_ _single step_ of the recipe even if it's being read to him?

**Mamas boi sent a picture to the chat**

 

 

 **Mamas boi:** I mean come on you guys, it doesn't even look like food.

 **Rat fucker:** lol that does NOT look safe to eat

 **Rat fucker:** not even the Handler would give us that

 **Dark Kermit:** we were aiming for something simple. Guess, go on

 **This is FINE:** umm idk the black lump looks like it has layers so maybe,,, grilled cheese?

 **Ghost fucker:** god I wish.

 **Ghost fucker:** hey ben can we postmate grilled cheese from like taco bell or sm?

**Dark Kermit:** _just ask mom???_

  **Dark Kermit:** anyway V, ur wrong

 **Alli gator:** god I hope it was cereal but I also kind of hope not as well

 **Alli gator:** if it was how did you burn it?

 **Ghost fucker:** sniff sniff

 **Ghost fucker:** my cooking isn't that bad is it ben?

 **Mamas boi:** bro it totally is

 **Dark Kermit:** it is

 **Dark Kermit:** and dw Allison it wasn't cereal

 **The best mom ever:** I thought you were making scrambled eggs on toast dear?

 **Mamas boi:** yeah I sat there and watched Klaus lie to your face and say 'I have this under control and it'll look so good it can go on a magazine'

 **This is FINE:** ok but I don't know how the eggs get transferred dry and brown and stringy and smoking onto a literal black char of toast and u say hmm seems legit and then  _take a bite_

 **Alli gator:** I mean I wasn't going to say anything about the quite large bite but vanya thank u 4 being the one

 **Rat fucker:** how did it taste?

 **Ghost fucker:** like death. and I should know

 **Dark Kermit:** idk why it took so long to decide to actually swallow it. you looked for a moment like ur gag reflex noped out but I guess you didn't want to be sick on diago a lot

 **Mamas boi:** aww :)

 **Ghost fucker:** well I didn't want to be stabbed

 **Alli gator:** aw! diego stop threatening Klaus >:(

 **Rat fucker:** *clears throat*

 **LUTHER:** Did he just..?

 **Rat fucker:** I have a suggestion

 **Dark Kermit:**..okay?

**Rat fucker has changed Ghost fuckers name to Gordon ramseys nightmare/wet dream**

**Gordon ramsey's nightmare/wet dream:** oh thank god, I thought you were just going to say its hunting season and the game is klaus

 **This is FINE:** oop. don't give him ideas baby bro

 **Gordon ramsey's nightmare/wet dream:** shitttt

 **Dark Kermit:** aaaaaand hes gone :/

 **Dark Kermit:** hey diego, come with me and make sure he doesn't trip over the weird rug in the hall bc if he breaks his nose  _again_

 **The best mom ever:** hm maybe I should ask pogo if he can hekp me remove and replace that carpet with something that won't remind everyone of broken noses and ice packs?

 **The best mom ever:** I'm thinking something obnoxiously tasteless.

 **Rat fucker:** how about pink to match Dolores' cardigan?

 **Alli gator:** oo! how about polka dots?

 **This is FINE:** how about stripes

 **LUTHER:** green?

**Gordon ramsey's nightmare/wet dream:** _how about all of the above???_

**Dark Kermit:** I thought you were running?

 **This is FINE:** it's his five minute break and the most exercise he will ever get in the rest of his life except from his walking, let a boy live

 


End file.
